Kevin Smith’s debut feature Clerks inspired a generation of indie filmmakers to scrape together a budget for their own quirky little comedies. After Smith’s first movie became a hit at Sundance, he was able to secure a larger budget and backing from a big studio for his second. Mallrats essentially transplanted the Clerks formula – a day in the lives of two pop culture-savvy guys discussing relationship problems – into a shopping mall.
While Mallrats was nowhere near as critically acclaimed as Clerks, it has since been re-evaluated as a cult classic and it has a handful of its own memorable quotes.
“I Can’t Express Myself Monosyllabically Enough For You To Understand.” - Brodie Bruce
Before Ben Affleck was an A-list leading man, he played a couple of hilariously hateable ing roles in cult comedies, like butt-paddling senior Fred O’Bannion in Dazed and Confused and, indeed, smarmy Fashionable Male proprietor Shannon Hamilton in Mallrats.
When Shannon asks love rival Brodie Bruce if he wants to say something, Brodie quips back, “Yeah, about a million things, but I can’t express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.” This is a perfect insult.
“You Should See Yourself Right Now: A Grown Man With His Hand Down His Pants.” - T.S. Quint
When T.S. needs to exact a little revenge, Brodie has an inventive but disgusting scheme to get payback. It involves sticking his hand down the back of his pants before a handshake with the target.
As he prepares the gambit, an embarrassed T.S. says, “You should see yourself right now: a grown man with his hand down his pants.” Brodie quips, “Yeah, I probably look like my old man.”
“You Dumb B******, It’s Not A Schooner, It’s A Sailboat!” - William Black
Ethan Suplee’s simple-minded ing character William spends the entirety of Mallrats staring at a Magic Eye poster, trying to see the sailboat that everybody else is able to spot straight away.
When a little girl and boy look at the poster and the girl says, “Wow, it’s a schooner,” William fires back, “Ha-ha-ha! You dumb b******, it’s not a schooner, it’s a sailboat.” The little boy has a sharp rebuttal: “A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head!”
“What, Like The Back Of A Volkswagen?” - Various Characters
There’s a running gag throughout Mallrats that Shannon Hamilton likes to have sex “some place very uncomfortable.” Every time it’s mentioned to a character, they cluelessly think the uncomfortable place is the location of the sex act and ask the same question: “What, like the back of a Volkswagen?”
The joke is paid off when Shannon’s sexual secrets are revealed to the entire audience of the game show and one of the game’s contestants asks the same Volkswagen question in front of the whole crowd.
“Adventure, Excitement... A Jedi Craves Not These Things.” - Silent Bob
It wouldn’t be a Kevin Smith movie without a healthy dose of Star Wars references. Clerks’ Randal makes a hilarious point about the subcontractors who would’ve been killed in the destruction of the second Death Star, while the heroes of Zack & Miri Make a Porno attempt to self-finance and produce an adult parody of the George Lucas classic.
Silent Bob spends the whole of Mallrats trying to use the Force to lift a cigarette into his mouth. When he finally speaks, he quotes Luke’s wise master Yoda: “Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things.”
“Hasn’t It Become Abundantly Clear During The Tenure Of Our Friendship That I Don’t Know S***?” - Brodie Bruce
Oftentimes, the ones who are the most confident in what they say are the ones with no real point to make. When Brodie learns that T.S. actually listened to something he said and took it onboard, he’s taken aback.
As Brodie sees it, his track record should’ve told T.S. that something was amiss: “You’re gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn’t it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know s***?”
“The Customer Is Always An A******!” - Shannon Hamilton
When T.S. asks Shannon if he’s familiar with the phrase, “The customer is always right,” Shannon contests its logic: “Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? The customer is always an a******!”
This line is relatable to anybody who’s ever worked in retail (like Smith himself, who used to work in the Quick Stop convenience store where Clerks takes place).
“He Seems To Be Really Hung Up On Superhero Sex Organs.” - Stan Lee
Stan Lee cameos in Mallrats at a crucial juncture to give Brodie some timely relationship advice: “Do yourself a favor, Brodie: don’t wait. Because all the money, all the women, even all the comic books in the world, they can’t substitute for that one person.”
Despite this profound wisdom, Brodie’s first questions upon meeting his idol are whether Mr. Fantastic can stretch his penis and whether the Thing’s genitals are made of rock. A concerned Lee later tells T.S., “I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on superhero sex organs.”
“Snootchie Bootchies!” - Jay
The reappearance of Jay and Silent Bob in Mallrats connected Kevin Smith’s second movie to his first and began the stoner duo’s long-running tenure as the heart and soul of the View Askewniverse. Mallrats established Jay’s nonsensical but unforgettable catchphrase: “Snootchie bootchies!”
Jay’s proudest moment as a father in Jay & Silent Bob Reboot is when his estranged daughter Milly adopts his catchphrase. He uses the line a few times in Mallrats, but the funniest is after hitting LaFours with a baseball bat and crying out, “Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie bootchies!”
“You F****** Think Just Because A Guy Reads Comics, He Can’t Start Some S***!?” - Brodie Bruce
The character of Brodie Bruce is a departure from stereotype in that he’s a nerd obsessed with comics who’s also confident and outspoken. Whenever he feels threatened, he becomes brash and obnoxious, which Jason Lee plays up brilliantly.
After getting into an altercation with a fellow mallrat who looks down on his superhero fandom, Brodie yells at them, “You f****** think just because a guy reads comics, he can’t start some s***!?” Now that the MCU’s success has brought comic book obsession into the mainstream, this quote has aged well.
