So there's this large bearded guy in a flashy suit who invades billions of homes to give presents to kids he's been observing over the past year and then eat their parents' food. Life shouldn't get any crazier than that. Yet here we are, with a selection of comics that somehow manage to out crazy Kris Kringle and his eight magical flying reindeer.
Comic books aren't really known for the best Santa beatdowns the season has to offer, so why not now take the good cheer one stocking further with some of the strangest stories ever told.
Here are the 15 Most WTF Christmas Comics of All-Time.
15. The Ultimate Warrior X-Mas Special
That's right, folks; everyone's favorite high-flying, tassel-wearing, face-painted, incomprehensible World Wrestling Federation superstar, is about to sexually assault Santa Claus. If you grew up in the '80s, then you're probably familiar with Warrior's brand of high-octane lunacy. His comic series is much of the same, only on crack.
The Warrior X-Mas special is one of five comics the Ultimate Warrior found time to pen after retiring from wrestling. Lacking all sense of cohesion or decency, they are based on his made-up philosophy, Destrucity: “the truce between one's destiny and one's reality.” His Christmas Special is particularly mystifying in that it forgoes all sense of story and replaces it with a collection of pin-ups featuring Warrior doing murderous and sexual things to Santa, his reindeer, the elves and innocent children, all in hopes of getting his hands on some nude Barbies. He also parties with hobos and fights a purple octopus. If you ever wondered what it was like to spend Christmas inside the mind of a lunatic, this is it.
14. Samurai Santa Comes to Town
Solson comics? Probably not. Though how could you forget such hits as Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes and Reagan's Raiders? Well just like everyone else with a pencil and crap idea, Solson got in on the holiday cash cow with its own awful Christmas special. Which sounds ridiculous, because a Santa samurai should be a recipe for foolproof awesome. Guess that's what an unashamed mixture of religion and racism will get you.
Samurai Santa starts off as a department store Santa gets wasted and the manager is tasked with finding another employee to fill in. Someone recommends asking the new guy behind the “jap robot counter.” Also known as Sam, he's more than happy to turn in the kimono he oddly wears to work for the big red suit. After listening to underprivileged kids talk about what they want for Christmas, Sam decides what they really need aren't toys, but more religion. So he starts ing out pseudo-bibles. This pisses off the store manager, so he dresses up as another Santa and tries to kill Sam with a crossbow (naturally). Sam takes him out with the katana he's been hiding in the suit all along and then quits, fed up with consumerism ruining the true meaning of Christmas. In the end, it's loosely implied that Sam was Jesus the entire time. A Samurai Santa Jesus? How could you mess that up? Come on, Solson.
13. The Marvel Holiday Special Reveals the Most Powerful Mutant Ever
Ever wondered who the most powerful mutant ever created was? The 1991 Marvel Holiday Special revealed this nugget of truth when the mutant-detecting supercomputer Cerebro drops everyone's sugar plums with a super sighting in Rockefeller Center. The X-Men jump into action, eager to enlist the new recruit. When they arrive on the scene, they learn the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants has had the same idea. But when the supervillains instantly get turned into action figures and the heroes teleported away with their memories erased, it's clear that they've all met their merry match.
Omega-level mutants are Iceman.
12. Captain America Saves Santa From Hitler
It wouldn't be the holidays without at least one mention of Hitler. Ours comes from Marvel Age #109, when Captain America takes a break from waxing his shield to tell some orphans a Christmas story about himself. Specifically, the time he stopped Adolf Hitler from shooting Santa Claus in the head.
It was December of 1943, and the Nazi dictator had just kidnapped Santa in a diabolical plot to destroy U.S. morale. And there's a good chance it would have worked, but thankfully, President Franklin D. Roosevelt sent Captain America along with Nick Fury, Bucky Barnes, and the rest of the Howling Commandos behind enemy lines to rescue him. We never actually learn the outcome of this battle, because one of the kids listening interrupts to ask Cap if there really is such a thing as a Hitler. Rest assured, Der Furher didn't have a very merry Christmas that year.
11. The Justice League Fails to Solve Santa's Murder
The “Man Who Murdered Santa Claus” is a classic Who Dunnit tale where they never catch the killer and Hal Jordan slips on a bar of soap. Starting off with a bang, on the second page of Justice League of America #110, Santa gets blown up. Luckily, when Superman and Batman shift through the rubble, they find his lifeless body holding a key, along with a poorly written poem telling them to go to St. Louis.
Technically, this isn't the real Santa. It's Santa Simpson, a good samaritan who's helping Bats and Supes bring gifts to orphans. Which makes it all the more terrible when he dies and all Superman can muster is, “Sorry chum, but there's nothing we can do for him.” So instead, they call in the rest of the Justice League to read the poem. But because Flash is meeting his wife's parents in the future, Aquaman is celebrating Hanukkah, and Hal Jordan has yet to master getting out of the shower, we have to settle for the JLA B-team. This goes horribly wrong when every member, including Superman, apparently gets killed off. But thanks to the sudden appearance of the Phantom Stranger the whole thing turns out to be a ruse. It all ends on a sour note when the villain gets away after blowing up a city block and then a more happy note when Red Tornado gets a new outfit for Christmas. As for Santa no one ever mentions him again, nor the orphans presumably still waiting for their gifts.
This goes horribly wrong when every member, including Superman, apparently gets killed off. But thanks to the sudden appearance of the Phantom Stranger, the whole thing turns out to be a ruse. It all ends on a sour note when the villain gets away after blowing up a city block, and then a more happy note when Red Tornado gets a new outfit for Christmas. As for Santa, no one ever mentions him again -- nor the orphans presumably still waiting for their gifts.
10. Constantine Snorts the Ashes of Santa
John Constantine is a cynical badass who could care less about Santa and the sleigh he rode in on. Combine that with a detached willingness to get the job done no matter what the cost, and we're left with a holiday classic in the waiting. While not technically a Christmas comic, Hellblazer #247 warrants inclusion because it's not every day you get to see someone snort the remains of Santa Claus.
Like most of us are wont to do, Constantine is out to learn about his ancestry. But where the average person would just spend a few hours twiddling around with family trees online, Constantine digs up the 1,700 year-old corpse of an Italian bishop named Agios Nikolaus -- the real life inspiration behind Santa Claus. It turns out that the dusty, skeletal remains of St. Nick are a key ingredient to invoke an ancient occult ritual that will allow Constantine to get in touch with his roots. So he exhumes the body, grinds the bones into powder, and then snorts them. Why anyone hasn't turned this one into a Christmas carol yet is beyond us.
9. A Blind Kid Mistakes Ghost Rider for Santa Claus
Kids are always on the lookout for the big guy. Being little and having tiny brains, they also get confused easily. But mistaking a skeleton who's head is on fire for a large white-bearded man in a red and white suit? That's a bit far-fetched. Marvel apparently agrees, which is why on top of everything else, they also decided to make the four-year-old Willie blind. That way, we could get the delightful Christmas moment when a young boy once mistook Ghost Rider for Santa Claus.
A blind boy is kidnapped on Christmas Eve so some thugs can extort his family for money. The kid manages to get away and flee into a cemetery, where he starts praying that Santa save him. One of thugs catches up, tells him Santa is dead, and then slaps the kid in the face. That's when the Spirit of Vengeance appears and starts whipping the yuletide out of everyone nearby. The boy mistakes the sound of the Rider's chain for bells, and when he feels the large leather boots on his feet, he's convinced Santa heard his cries for help. After Ghost Rider gives the bad guys the Penance Stare for Christmas, he carries the boy onto his fiery bike (which Willie takes for a sleigh led by Rudolph) and returns him safely home. He the races off across the rooftops and out of sight. Maybe Ghost Rider is Santa Claus after all?
8. Santa the Barbarian
that one episode of Xena: Warrior Princess where Xena meets Santa Claus and the baby Jesus? Santa the Barbarian is kind of like that, only crazier and with worse puns. The premise goes something like this: Santa is a barbarian. That's pretty much all you need to know to figure out what happens in not one, but two completely unrelated barbarous stories.
The first details Santa realizing that his Naughty List is taking up too much room at the North Pole, so he decides to kill everyone on it to clear up some space. The highlight comes when it's revealed Rudolph flies Santa's sleigh using the power of his farts. The second concerns Santa fighting a giant Santa-killing robot built by the elves in an attempt to break free of his tyranny. This one concludes with Santa the Barbarian hearing the lamentations of a barley dressed female elf as she dances before him. Oh yeah, and at one point, he kills Hitler (or at least someone that looks suspiciously like him) with the memorable line, “Merry Christmas to all... and to all a good knife.” The written word just doesn't get any better than that.
7. Terror Inc Shanks a Hobo to Save Christmas
Terror Inc was a by-product of the '90s comic boom, when everyone and their mother were churning out low-grade fare. The title character is a knight from the Middle Ages cursed with a demon-face, spiked whiskers and eternally rotting flesh. He survived to the modern day thanks to an ability to graft parts of other people's dead bodies to his own, which also provided him with the skills and experiences they had while alive. Presently, he runs a detective agency while moonlighting as a hitman. Was there ever a better candidate for a Christmas special?
Terror Inc #8 begins when a mob ant on death row pays Terror half a million bucks to give his family a happy Christmas. So Terror cuts off the guys hand and attaches it to himself so it can feel up the wife and pat his son Henry on the head one last time. Unfortunately, the mob crashes the touching moment by trying to murder everyone. A car chase ensues, in which Terror gets smashed up and loses both his legs. But don't worry, he has the boy drag him into a nearby alley, where Terror shanks a hobo to death so he can saw off the bum's legs to use as his own. From there on out its thistles and whistles as Terror Inc wipes out the mob, makes paper ornaments back at the house, creepily kisses Henry on the forehead while he sleeps, leaves $150K for the family, and eats a cookie before heading out the door. All and all, twas a pretty wonderful Christmas for everyone. Except the mob. And the hobo.
6. Tarot the Witch Has Sex with Krampus
If you're not familiar with Tarot: Witch of the Rose, it's an adults-only comic featuring the titular young witch named Tarot and her fight against the forces of darkness and clothing. Bouncing from one ludicrous sex-charged plot to another, the series can probably be best summed up in the quote: “You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!” Suffice to say, it's the kind of comic you wouldn't want your significant other/boss/dog catching you reading.
The 2006 Christmas special entitled “Holiday Witches” doesn't do much in the way of improving the sin. During the witchity holiday of Yule, Tarot and friends celebrate by having a snowball fight and using sex magick to get naked while sledding. The issue also includes a backstory where the witchette Spellarella throws a holiday party for her monster friends and gets stripped, liquored up, and nearly ripped apart by Frankenstein.
But it could be worse. We could get Tarot's 2014 holiday themed issue, when she visits Austria to stop several monstrous Krampuses from drowning children in a lake, but instead ends up getting really drunk and having sex with them. Or the follow-up issue, when Tarot returns to Austria, only this time with her sister who, after getting spanked by the Krampuses, also gets really drunk and throws up on one of them. Surprisingly enough, this is too much for the Krampuses to handle, so they leave Austria for good. In other words, it's good family fun.